Most times, I wonder why I got married and how I transitioned from being the independent carefree me to being expected to enter or assume a role I really don’t have an idea about or maybe I’m too obstinate to accept or I just have too many reservations and questions about the expectation of that role.

 

Been a a mother since forever but as I grew with my son, it wasn’t the classic mother son relationship we share, more like siblings so dealing with babies and toddlers take me wayyy outside myself and I am not enjoying it really. It is too tasking and you lose your essence in the demands.

My last baby’s birth and recovery has been extremely tasking and challenging for me and I have been so drained. I ask myself what the whole point is in the first place and I look at my tiny dependent tot as he sleeps peacefully and unaware, then it hits me, if I’d died in the process, life will go on without me, my kids will survive and I’d just be a memory. All my plans for myself would be buried with me and I’d have lived a life without being fulfilled and one with so much regrets of how I should have just gone ahead with my plans regardless of the many considerations I gift myself or the discouragement I permit myself to enjoy and wear or hide behind

 

last year September, I had seriously considered starting my Masters program but I was still nursing a 6 months old baby. I considered a lot and then changed my mind. As I lie in bed and reflect a year after, asking myself what I had achieved the past one year asides having another baby and a lot of psychological victories, I couldn’t find something tangible and to make it worse, I have been 100% dependent which has been frustrating I must tell you. Though husbandman has been very supportive and holding us down, I had a way of doing things which I should pretty different from his and we have clashes when we get to this point. Since I am not providing, and I hate to repeat myself over and again to an adult, I keep quiet and sulk

 

last night, I look at my sleeping husband and babies and wonder why I am stuck.

 

Having gone through a tremendous level of pain, my brain did a reset. I have to do things that validate me. Do me, find me, get back to my plans. It will work if I chose to make it work. Chatting with my sister brought the insight. I don’t need to have it all worked out before I start. I need to plunge fully into the process, everything will fall in place

 

ps: I know it’s been ages but here would be a consistent avenue to rant and empty my mind so we’re going to be doing this a very long time

ciao!

 

it